The Seventh One: Mithila Hegde

Waqt ne kiya
kya haseen sitam

tum rahe na tum

hum rahe na hum

- Kaagaz ke phool
 

It seemed apt that one of her favourite songs is from a film. She sings it beautifully too, as you will hear soon. But before that some introductions are in order. Meet Mithila Hegde, writer-filmmaker, singer, seeker, lover of animals more than humans, travel junkie and in her own words, "a non-conformist". Based in Mumbai, she was back in Bangalore for some time, luckily for me. We talked for hours, in what was one of the most delightfully digressive chats I have had.

From our common love for Gabor Mate, to her disdain for boring people, from love languages to pregnant pauses, from film making to the socio- political nature of food, from singing to many hopeless attempts at clicking our picture( we did mange to get one), we cruised through it all. I can't cover everything we talked about without writing a mini book. So let's just stick to a firefly chat for now. But first, I walked into her house to this scene. 

Meet Badda, meaning fatso in Tulu. I might as well just get used to introducing the cats, they seem to be everywhere. This one was literally like a mini Buddha and slept through most of our chat except for that one time we shut the door on him because we were recording sound. I don't think he was too pleased, but then promptly went and took another nap. He sleeps about 16 hours a day, as do most cats, I am told. Good life, I say. 

Back to Mithila. I start by asking her what she is up to these days. Her immediate response was "nothing". For a second I thought, okay we are done then, no interview? That is until she realized that I wasn't asking about work specifically. Ah, then she is doing quite a few meaningful things it turns out. 

She is looking after her father who is recovering from a surgery. She is being a supportive partner to her "main human" as she calls him who has just shown his film, "Max, min and Meowzaki" at the Busan film festival on which she was the executive producer and associate director. She is doing some yoga. And most importantly, she just finished writing her first feature film script. Woah.

Congratulations, I say! She started writing it in 2020 and it has taken her some time to finish. The pandemic played a role, as did her own struggle with procrastination and chasing some unrealistic idea of perfection. She says she is beginning to not be so attached to this mirage and that she is finally ready with her first script is worth celebrating. She will soon get down to making the film and directing it. But wait, let's try and start from the beginning, with a 100 diversions. The food will come later, but of course!

I ask her about her curiosities as a child, and she tells me that she was one of those "irritating, enthusiastic children, the teacher's pet." She wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, a journalist at various times and film school certainly wasn't on the list back then. She wanted to be the best at everything and she realizes that while she thoroughly enjoyed being that person, it might have come at a small price. "I don't think I allowed myself to be much of a child". I can imagine that, she is wise beyond her years and those roots go deep. 

What about her early creative pursuits? She tells me she enjoyed writing. And she grew up in a musical home, especially a lot of retro music. Her dad is a singer and those genes have been passed down. A particularly moving performance was one she did in memory of her mother a few years ago. The standee from that performance sits in the balcony and I wonder when her next performance will be. Films are her priority at the moment so for the time being we will have to be content with the reels she does for instagram in her extremely soothing voice. I told you, you will have to wait for that. 

Back to films. She grew up watching films in the 90's in India and that is the world she knew. Her peripheral thoughts about cinema was that it was escapist and she had always been drawn to more realistic films. So when she saw Cinema Paradiso at a film appreciation course she took in college, she was blown away. She still remembers the goosebumps. 

Watching that film had a profound impact on her and shifted something deep within forever. It was dramatic and a powerful moment for her, she had found her calling. But if you get to know her a little more, you realize that her calling is a shape shifter. As she navigates life, with her need to constantly seek, exploring her different curiosities, she will always be searching for her purpose, which she believes can be different things at different points. But for then, she had hit upon a significant calling that moved her enough to want to explore it further. 

So what did she do once she did hit upon her purpose at 19? She didn't really know what route to take and so she begun her own education. Quite simply, she watched a lot of films. She worked with a couple of directors in Mumbai but she wasn't really inspired. She says, of her own nature,

"I am a seeker, I get bored and outgrow people and situations easily. I needed a deeper exposure, to discover my own style, to tell my own stories."

How refreshing, this need to be original and to be able to recognise it so early. She found her alma mater in one of the two leading, government funded film schools in India- The Satyajit Ray Film and Television Institute. It is no mean feat to get into that school and she modestly and shyly I might add, agrees. A 3 year course that became 5 because such is the system. But those were her formative years and she wouldn't trade them for anything. It opened her mind up and exposed her to a diversity that I think is a very important part of her creative fuel. 

She gives her own example of busting myths like equating intelligence with the way someone spoke English. But you get a deeper sense of how that experience shaped her world view, in her own words, 

"As a result of my urban upbringing, I'd grown up with a fair amount of privilege which meant I was basking in my entitlement, wallowing in first world problems and romanticising the omnipresent existential crisis with little or no connection to nature and my roots. Little did the 23 year old Mithila know that the diverse bunch she was going to befriend was about to shape her world view, which is now ever evolving, much like the phases of the moon.  

The exposure to this eclectic assortment of  people was epiphanic, making me realize how myopic my gaze was, how challenging it was to find inspiration, how insipid my stories were. And I say all of this with objectivity, not with false modesty or to appear self effacing. There was as much unlearning to do as much as there was to learn.  

I learnt to appreciate the strength and depth of living in harmony with nature, the honesty and potency of stories that emerged from lived experience, the significance and  necessity of community. It was deeply humbling and taught me that there is no alternative to authenticity when it comes to story telling. I am still learning to write and create from a place of raw vulnerability and empathy."

Diversity as fodder for your creativity requires work and the willingness to set aside old ideas for new ones, something Mithila does with relative ease. But under that ease lies all the inner work that she has done and continues to do, consciously and mindfully. More on that later. 

Her award winning documentary film was on hindustani classical musician Ustaad Abdul Rashid Khan, when he was 105 years old. He wrote and performed hindustani classical music and had been an undiscovered gem. She describes the process of interviewing him as one that almost sounds like no work. "You don't have to do anything when you are around a character like that." With paan in his mouth, smoking away his hukka, he brought to life an idea of India that celebrated its diversity, embraced its creativity irrespective of religion and allowed for artists to just do their thing. No laughing matter compared to the India of today, 

The film went on to win a couple of awards and was perhaps one of the first indications that documentaries were her thing. 

"I am inclined towards documentaries for their realness, their rawness."

She observes that films and stories are created, and the person in front of the camera is always a little conscious. Revealing something more of her need for authenticity, she tells me of her process pf recording the audio separately and then juxtaposing it on the video to make sure she doesn't lose any of the real conversation. Explaining the difference between fiction and non-fiction she says, 

"Fiction and non-fiction are very different. With fiction, you try and stay true to a script. You can do that with a documentary as well, but I find that process rather banal."

Hitchcock, she says puts it perfectly,

"In feature films the director is God; in documentary films God is the director."

Another piece of work during her student days, was Tiramisu. This was her first short film. It was the story of an escort with no qualms about her profession. She had a regular social life and this is what she did for a living. This was at a time when Mithila was understanding feminism and trying to challenge stereotypes through her stories, but as proof of her own growth process, she recognises that the film lacked a more holistic socio-political perspective. This was a decade ago, and she is a whole different person today. This growth, this ability to constantly expand her world view, and the humility to acknowledge her own limitedness at any given point in time is what keeps her creative energy so fresh, so unique. 

Post her course she also got the chance to do a 2 month course in Paris, as the only student from Asia. She says she did the course only to be with people different from her, yet similar in so many ways. She had to learn the language beyond the rudimentary French she had learnt as a student at Alliance Francaise. The French she discovered speak French very differently! 

But being in that situation forced her to learn and speak a whole new language, an experience she cherishes. She lived behind the Moulin Rouge describing those two months like " living in Amelie', which is a lovely movie, if you haven't seen it yet. She hilariously describes how she continued to practice her French with the staff at Air France, much to their amusement. She wasn't interested in sight seeing, didn't visit the Louvre, ate croissants everyday, and fell in love with the idea of uncomfortable situations. 

What has she been doing after that, I ask. Being a nomad, she attended film festivals, worked on a few film and OTT productions, did some freelancing. One of the interesting projects she worked on was a documentary on the 2018 elections in Karnataka with a collective called Pickle Jar. She also loves curating and has been curating for the queer film festival in Kolkatta for the last 3 years. 

Apart from films what else does she love? She then tells me about her true love-studying. 

"I love studying, I like doing courses. There are deadlines, there is a regimen and there is a commitment. It isn't the same as just reading a book on the subject. I feel secure, they are like my mutual funds, my investment."

She seems to be in a state of constant learning. How does this fit into the  productive culture that we are all a part of? Is there any dissonance, I ask?

"I used to be conflicted about being ambitious but I am slowly realizing I don't have to be. I am not succumbing to the conditioning. I am doing what feels right to me and I don't put myself in situations I don't belong. I am more comfortable, accepting what I don't need and long for."

She does acknowledge that it is easy to get carried away and berate herself about productivity, but she is becoming more discerning. I asked her where this discernment shows up most. "In people", she grins.

"I am learning how to differentiate between judgement and discernment. With myself and others. Knowing that we don't know who we are, that we are constantly becoming and unbecoming, and to be okay with that."

I told you she was wise beyond her years. This inner work, we agreed never stops! I ask her about discomfort, as personal experience tells me that all this inner work is extremely uncomfortable, often times quite painful. So does the discomfort get in the way of her creativity? Quite the contrary, 

"Discomfort is the theme of my creative life

She doesn't mean to romanticise pain. What I think she means is that in the process of getting out of that discomfort, she finds a new level of meaning, of depth in herself, which then translates into anything she does. And makes her work that much more authentic. 

I ask her about the ways she navigates the discomfort before it translates into anything creative. Her processes are myriad, diverse and eclectic. From crystal healing, to reiki, to grounding practises like meditation, to journalling, to even shaving her head when she has the need to shed and feel lighter, she has the willingness to be vulnerable and allow herself to move through the discomfort. A recent experience at Adishakti in Pondicherry, a laboratory for theatre arts, helped her shed her physical inhibitions through intense movement arts. She says of experiences such as these,

"It's about being naked, with or without your clothes on, and being comfortable with it."

Gender has also been a constant subject of interest, an obsessive preoccupation is more like it. She can't ignore the impact it has on her being, her emotional life, her spiritual life, not just for herself but for others too. She rues about how little we are taught as children, so she has taken it upon herself to educate herself, to unlearn the systems that have become part of our collective consciousness. She is sensitive to the dynamics at play in her own industry and fiercely vocal of her frustration. 

"Actors are deeply sensitive people. And get a lot of flak for being difficult, demanding, temperamental etc. It's great fodder for gossip, but nothing more than a superficial and reductionist view of artists who are constantly under ruthless scrutiny in their professional and public lives. It's only natural to develop a defense mechanism to survive this increasingly and insanely intrusive world we inhabit. It's easy to dismiss this as indulgent behavior and further alienate ourselves from each other. Also, why do actors ( or anyone) owe you their niceness? We're constantly being asked to ignore and suppress our feelings in order to make people around us comfortable. And then when you add the gender dynamic to this already oppressive social construct, it is infuriatingly triggering. 

An angry man is feared, respected and taken seriously. People will gather around him to pander to his needs and dissipate his anger. But an angry woman is never just an angry woman. She is hysterical, PMSing, menopausal, neurotic, psychotic... and labelled with many such uncharitable terms.We're barely scratching the surface in workplaces when it comes to representation of even cisgender women. The level of apathy and absolute dismissal of queer persons is a whole other conversation. And the excuse that it's all too complex to understand is plain lazy and unconvincing. No discussion on gender is relevant and credible without cognisance of the socio political premise, and an unpatronising inclusivity of marginalised communities. 

She firmly believes that "whatever we know is not the truth, and it is important to keep questioning your conditioning." She is tired of making excuses and listening to #notallmen narratives. She says she is learning to be patient, to be brave rather than popular, and to experience the full range of emotions as she goes through her own de-conditioning process. What is the impact on her creative life? Immense.  

Her world view is fundamentally socio-political and she wants to tell stories through the lens of sexuality, of caste, of gender. The stories she is drawn to, and wants to tell are all about emotion but not in a myopic way. With her constantly expanding repertoire of ideas of herself and of the world, she has no dearth of inspiration. 

One of her more recent areas of interest has been the subject of her roots. She has always been curious about the history of the Bunt community from coastal Karnataka, to which she belongs. She was surprised to know that they are essentially spirit worshippers and pagan and not idol worshippers as is widely recognized. She wants to do a documentary from a cultural, social and political perspective and the universe seems to have heard her because she is meeting a scholar on Tuesday who she came across via social media. Such are the ways of the universe!

She also wants to do a series with indigenous women from across India and discover them through their food, their songs, their stories. Apart from all the lenses she has to choose the subjects she wants to tackle, which can be complicated, her most important radar in choosing a story is actually quite simple,  

"I will do what is meaningful for me' 

What else is meaningful, I ask? Travel. She will travel anywhere for food she says but what I found more interesting was actually her gaze. She has a collection of pictures of her feet during her travels, and I refuse to believe that they are random. She tells me,

"Most people look forward or upward. I tend to look towards the ground. It is my way of honouring the earth, of connecting with it. Terra firma is important to me."

I wouldn't do Mithila justice if I didn't at least mention that she loves animals more than humans. Badda is her home she says, and the admonishment that he was getting in fluent Tulu makes me believe it. 

And then there is the food. Cooking is her love language she tells me. She was thoughtful enough to ask me my preferences( allergic to shellfish and no sugar, for all you future firefly chatters!) and cooked a lovely meal that we ate at leisure. She tells me that as she is growing older she is drawn to more traditional foods. She has such a sensual relationship with everything she does, but it really comes alive with food. Her impeccable attention to detail, refined taste buds and thoughtfulness make eating with her a really special experience. And true to form, she says she has to be happy and in a good mood to cook. 

"It's like having an intimate conversation with what I am cooking."

Thankfully she was in a very good mood while cooking this traditional Mangalorean chicken curry and semai da addye, mushroom ghee roast, buttered eggs, a delicious guord raita with burnt garlic. I managed two pictures before I pounced on the food. 

Honestly, we fell short of time. There was so much more to meander through. Especially when she says, "I digress all the time, but at least I digress interestingly!" I stand witness to that, as do many of her other friends. 

All the alternate healing work that she does has given her a unique perspective I thought. One that goes beyond the glory and the gore of an individual creative life. A ted talk by Elizabeth Gilbert that really moved her, helps her articulate her world view on creativity itself. 

"The creative genius is an entity. It's not all you. If you end up doing something great, then it is partly because of that entity and even if it's not excellent, you can attribute it to this entity."

Seems to take the pressure off! But seriously, it is a deeply humbling point of view to me, one that takes the I out of the equation and perhaps keeps the creative ego in check. And most importantly you can really just enjoy the process of creation for the joy of it. 

The connecting tissue that runs through everything she does is a desire to grow, and every experience, every creative expression and every pursuit is keeping that in mind. The song she chose is an ode to the changing versions of ourselves. Give it a listen in her own voice. 

I got another doggy bag of some of that delicious chicken curry, but this time I didn't get a bite coz it was for The Mother. Ah well, such is life. 

 You can watch her award winning documentary, as well as her other work here: 

Ustad Abdul Rashid Khan, Documentary, 22 min. 46 sec. 

https://vimeo.com/manage/videos/138961706

You can also follow her singing and much more on Instagram at : 

@mithila.hegde (polka cat)